Exorcism
by occludes
Summary: Remus has a letter. And is under demonic possession, according to his friends.


In retrospect, Remus should have been more careful. He shouldn't have put it below Sirius and James to go through his things—particularly after a bottle and a half of firewhiskey. And he shouldn't have put it below them for Sirius to pin him down while James reads the letter aloud, albeit with a few of his own embellishments.

"Dearest Remus," James pinches his nose for the added effect of a nasally voice, even though it sounds nothing like Severus. Remus squirms. Sirius is an immovable object, straddling his hips, large hands holding him face-first to the floor. "Oh, how I miss thee and will not know how to survive the holidays without seeing your most—" he pauses. "Padfoot, an adjective."

"Tragic?" Sirius offers.

"Tragic!" The nasally-Snape-voice returns. "Most _tragically_ beautiful face whilst I fall asleep, nestled in your strong, warm arms... Please returnest to me before I cannot bear the loneliness any longer, and am driven to throw myself from the astronomy tower." James wipes a nonexistent tear from his eye. Sirius bursts into drunken snickers.

"You're both right prats," Remus growls around a face-full of the expensive Afghan carpet covering James' bedroom floor. Truly, the letter said nothing more than _Enjoy your holiday. See you when you return,_ but the fact there was a note at _all _is, unfortunately, quite telling, and Remus can't bring himself to outright lie to his friends. (Withholding information is not _lying_, as he sees it.)

Sirius looks down at him. "Who's the prat, then? _You're_ the one who's been keeping the fact you're snogging Snivellus after Potions from your best mates."

"Why would I tell you when I knew you'd act like this?" Remus can't seem to pitch Sirius off him with his struggling, but he does manage to push himself up to his elbows.

"Not our fault you've turned into a bloody nutter, mate." James sinks to a crouch before Remus, tossing the letter aside. Remus watches it and its simple words that say so much as it flutters to the floor. "Obviously, Snivellus has you under some sort of spell."

"A love potion, like," Sirius says.

"He's done no such thing," Remus snaps, trying to worm his way free again. If he could get enough purchase to give Sirius a swift knee right between the legs... "Neither of you know a thing about him. Or us. Or...anything!"

Sirius leans his weight onto Remus again until, with a defeated grunt, Remus sinks to the carpet again. "You know, Prongs, might be he's possessed."

James considers that. "Like we saw on the telly?"

"Right, like something demonic. _Evil_. That'd explain it. So maybe we ought to..."

"Yeah. There's one of them muggle churches up the road a bit." James is practically glowing, he's so excited. "Reckon they got a priest who can—what's it? Exorcise him."

"Stupid phrase, that."

Remus cuts in, "You're tanked, both of you. Get off." This time Sirius obliges, but he catches one of Remus' arms while James snags the other one, and they drag him to his feet.

"Come on, Moony," says Sirius, pressing to his cheek a sloppy kiss that smells entirely too much of firewhiskey. "We'll get you all fixed up, right and proper. No more Snivellus leaving filthy love notes in your baggage."

"It was not—"

"Or snogging you after Potions," James adds.

"He didn't—"

But they aren't listening to him. Despite his squirming they get him downstairs, stopped only by an inquisitive Mrs Potter who lifts her head from her knitting to frown at them. Remus suspects she doesn't notice that they're plastered, because she's quite old and flighty sometimes. Or maybe she knows and she likes to pretend she doesn't, because she hates telling James he can't do what he wants.

"What's all this?"

Sirius clamps a heavy hand over Remus' mouth before he can plead for help. "A good walk before bed, Mrs Potter. Remus gets these restless legs and ought to have some fresh air."

She knows better with the lot of them, but Remus doesn't look _honestly _distressed, simply agitated as he tries biting Sirius' hand away from his face and...ah, well, _boys will be boys _and all that, so—"Back before it gets too late," she says and resumes her knitting. "No magic."

"No magic," James and Sirius say in unison, as they drag Remus out of the house.

Remus has to relent as they head down the street, because being dragged and hauled along is making his arms ache. Besides that, it's a quarter past eleven-bloody-o'clock and no priest is going to be loitering about a church at this hour. The lights are all off, and Remus bites his lip as James tries the door. Locked.

"Shame," Remus says. "No exorcism tonight. Let's go home."

James casts a look behind each shoulder, his lips pursed as he slides his wand from his back pocket. Remus doesn't even have time to remind him what his mum said, and it would be useless to point it out anyway because what does James care? The door unlocks with a soft _snick _and creaks open.

"Guess it's up to me and you, Padfoot," James says solemnly. "We must rid Moony of these demons plaguing him."

"We need some of that holy water," Sirius whispers, nudging Remus up the steps and into the darkness. In here, the moonlight casts colored shadows about the pews and alter through the stained glass windows. A small circle of _Lumos _shines from the tip of James' wand as they move down the center aisle, glancing about like they expect a crazy priest to fly out of the shadows.

They split up at the front of the church, save for Remus, who stands there with his arms crossed. He could turn and run out now, if he wanted, but Sirius is faster than he is and he doesn't feel much like being tackled into the mud and dragged back.

He's contemplating the merits of rushing outside and locking the pair of them into the church when James' head pops up from behind the alter. "Hey, look, this! This is holy water, I'll bet."

"That's a rather queer bottle for water," Sirius says as he meanders over. He has odd little wafers in his hand, pops one into his mouth, makes a face. "Disgusting. Blandest crackers I've ever had."

Remus gives him a withering look. "They're for the church services, Padfoot, they aren't—_ow, James!"_

James startles, bottle open and now mostly empty seeing as he's just flung most of its contents into Moony's face. "Fuck, look at that...he really is possessed! It's burning him!"

"Of course it's burning, you barmy twit!" Remus whimpers, pawing desperately at his face. "It's bloody alcohol and you got it in my eyes!"

James stares at the bottle, at Remus, the bottle... He turns to Sirius, who is still munching on a stale cracker, and tosses the rest of the water into his face. The crackers hit the floor in time with Sirius' yelp and he, too, presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, toppling back on the alter steps, right onto his arse. "_Bloody hell, Potter_!"

"Huh." James lifts the bottle and sniffs it. "How's that. It _is _alcohol. What do you suppose a priest's got alcohol stashed in a church for?"

"For when he's taking confessions from gits like you." Remus' eyes are impossibly red like he's been crying for hours. When Sirius can finally manage to look at them, his are, too. Remus wipes his face on his shirt and takes a breath, while James returns the now-empty bottle back in its place. "Now, if you're done trying to kill us, can we leave?"

"Oh, _this _must be the holy water." James lifts another bottle, pops it open, and gives it a sniff. "Yep, it's water."

"How do you know it's holy water and not regular water?" Sirius asks.

"Dunno. It smells like water. Does holy water have a special smell?"

"Should smell..." Sirius pauses, brows crinkling together. "Holyish. I guess."

James shrugs, shoves the bottle into Padfoot's hands and fetches a crucifix from the pedestal's little shelf as well. "All right, let's do this—_Moony!_"

Neither of them had noticed that, as they were discussing the aroma of holy water, Remus had taken off down the aisle for the door. Alas, Sirius is still faster, and he's just barely reached the door when Sirius' arms are around his middle and they're both toppling to the floor. Remus hisses, his hands scuffed raw on the worn, scratchy carpet. Better his hands than his face, he supposes. He flails, all long limbs and indignant grunts, while Sirius entwines their limbs together and rolls them over so Remus has a rather nice view of the ceiling.

"Let go!"

"The demons are angered!" James leans over them and douses Remus with the holy water which, thank Merlin, truly _is _water this time and feels water-like even if a little cold. In fact, it rather makes his eyes feel better, even if the droplets sliding down his jaw and throat and disappearing beneath his shirt are uncomfortable. He blinks blearily. James shoves the crucifix against his forehead, holding a bible up high in the other hand.

"I say to thee, oh Lord, please remove the demons from our darling Moony, so he never again finds himself snogging Snivellus-of-the-greasy-hair!"

Sirius titters. He's gotten a bit wet, too, but he keeps his hold on Remus and Remus can practically hear his grin when he speaks. "You done this before, James?"

James pauses, the dramatic expression slipping momentarily from his face. "Hm? Oh, no. Rather convincing, isn't it?" When Sirius nods his approval, he continues. "Never again allow him to walk down the dark path of darkness and—"

"_James,_" Remus growls, trying to twist his arm free. He's pretty sure the cross is digging a permanent mark into his forehead and the last thing Remus feels he needs is another imperfection on his already scarred face. "One more word and I'm hexing the both of you—"

"No magic, Moony~"

"—into the arms of the most wicked and unholy—"

"—That's _it_!"

Remus mutters a hex under this breath. Which, unfortunately for James and Sirius, he's grown quite good at even without his wand. Boils on their pretty faces truly don't suit them, but it makes James squawk and Sirius howl, just as the overhead lights flicker on and a priest is standing in the doorway, gaping at them and their red eyes and Remus being held captive and helpless by the boil-faced monsters.

And yet, despite it all, James still manages to regain his composure to greet the slack-jawed priest.

"Excuse me, sir. Might you know a thing or two about exorcisms?"

"...And that, dear Severus, is how I spent my winter vacation."

Severus' expression hasn't changed much. He still stares at Remus with his thin mouth drawn taut and one eyebrow cocked. "And to think, you could have missed out on all that by staying at school."

"Would've been a shame, wouldn't it?" Remus gives a suffering sigh.

"So. Did it work?"

"Ah?"

"Their exorcism. To keep you away from the most wicked and unholy."

Remus' mouth twists into a wry smile, but his eyes practically sparkle. "No, I daresay they made it worse. What are you doing after Potions?"


End file.
